My eyes seemed heavier today than it did on yesterday. Perhaps all the tears I could muster up had dried out and the swelling had begun. I was tired of crying. Hell I was tired of this pain in my chest. A broken heart.
How the hell did I end up with a broken heart? I thought I was safe this go round. But with a name like Alonzo I should had known. I cursed under my breath and finally roll over to the side of the bed and Wince in pain.
I eyed my pipe and lighter and thought about taking another hit. But I shook my head and opted to get out of the house instead.
“I love you. I’ve never loved anyone like you before.” Alonzo’s voice echoed in my head and it forced more weight on my heart. I lean forward and breathed in and out. Rapidly trying to catch my breath.
“My heart Hurts Lord. This shit just isn’t fair.” I didn’t care about cussing in my quest to question God about why I was suffering right now. On why I chose to love a man who did nothing but lie and waste my time.
As I began to walk towards my bathroom the buzzing of my phone halted my steps. I grabbed it and went to my text alerts. Alonzo!
Leave it to this ass hole to speak sweet bull shit until his lies hits the fan and splattered all over my now broken heart. My eyes just studied his texts. His lyrical I’m sorrys waving like a rescue flag in the sky screaming “belive me. Feed into my bullshit so that I can waste more of your time!”
I’m not going to lie. Deep inside I just want him to take it all back. I want him to unbreak my heart. I still cared. I still loved him. And rolled my eyes and took my thumb to write back some ugly message. I just wanted him to feel my pain. To understand that now I was alone.
But my finger was stuck. The beginning of my text read, “I gave you everything…” and then I thought. He doesn’t even deserve to know that he had me. That I was completely and absolutely loyal to him. That I lived and breathed him. That I made plans for us.
I threw my phone on to the bed. “Fuck that nigga!”
With my heavy heart and with my swollen eyes I took four huge steps to my bathroom and studied my reflection. I was beautiful but in this moment I was dark, colorless, aged, sad. Look at what love did to me.
Was this love ? Was love this incomplete feeling that resulted in unimaginable pain? I closed my eyes and squeezed them real tight as if I were Dorothy from the wizard of Oz wishing to go back to Kansas.
“Get it together Roslyn. You are a good woman who just loved the wrong man.”
I opened my eyes and starred at myself again. Step 1 go ghost on that nigga. Step 2 wash your ass and your face. Step 3 put on that dress that makes your ass look like a stallion. Step 4 pull out that rolodex and call up Timmy or John, that cute guy from the bar, Eric, Jerome, or shit call Tyrone and get you a drink, some food, and a smile. And if you want to get a nut while you’re at it; by all means do you!
I laughed at myself as my thoughts went into overload. I couldn’t believe I was faced with dating again. But at least I had options. Does he think I’m going to just sit around? He didn’t know Roslyn like he thought he did.
I walked into my room grabbed my cell erased the words, “I gave you everything.” And replaced it with, “You good Alonzo. Xo” I scrolled through my contacts and stopped on Eric. “Hmmmmm I wonder.”
I clicked his name and texted, “hey!”. I fell back onto my sheets and smirked as I waited on a text back. “The best way to get over one is to get under a new one.”
The buzz of my phone broke my thoughts. Eric”s text read, “hey beautiful.” I laughed out as I started write back.
Now where was that dress…….